I'm a girl in my 20s

I thought I lost my words. A few weeks ago I was in a relationship with a boy I could not trust. It didn’t start off like that, of course, trust is earned through communication, apologies and presence, physically and emotionally. But that wasn’t for us.

There came a point where my love letters to him felt more like an obligation rather than something I truly meant, and at the time I couldn’t figure out why. Because the love letters were every day, words of affirmation made sense and came so easily with him and I had finally felt like I met my match, but only in the beginning. I would be in therapy working on my trust for him, opening up more to see what I could do better for us because it was clearly my fault as to why he left me for other girls and why he kept lying to me but he remained the same.

Over time I became exhausted being the only person keeping us afloat because I truly believed it was my fault we were not working out, I mean, it is what he told me so why would I not believe it. In retrospect, even though I did not want to admit it at the time I am truly happy it ended. I immediately felt that relief, that energy slowly came back into my body, this positivity and ambition that I had been wasting on him was drained for so long. 

This may be my first break up, I have never missed anyone after they were gone, I have never missed someones laugh, or wondered how their day went, or if they got a good grade on their exam. Moving on from someone had never felt so weighted.

Even though my energy came back I was still reliving moments, and holding on to what could’ve been. Which was definitely my issue, because what could’ve been was not real, I had only fallen in love with the idea of him in my future and not for what he truly was, just a boy. So over the past month and a half I have been struggling with myself. Some days I feel amazing, grateful even because I am alive, I have amazing friends, my family adores me, my job is so rewarding, I can talk to anyone and leave a positive impact, I’m successful in life as an independent woman.These are things I’ve always hoped to be and I have become. But other days I find myself reliving the past, missing his touch, dreaming of him and wishing he’d seen me for me. And I couldn’t help but feel ungrateful.

Healing is not linear, a phrase I’ve always heard but never understood until now. There was a time period of three days where I did not think, breathe, or mention him and I thought I was over it, but then on the third night I had a vivid dream of him where I was begging for him to understand my point of view and why it was not my fault. Closure is not real, it is not something someone can give to you, it’s something you find and give yourself. Even though this dream shook me and ruined my next day, it was an important part of my healing process to understand that some days I will have to pull over on the side of the road to sob because the song reminded me of him, or watch every black mustang drive by because it was the car I fell in love with him in, but I will also cherish this newly found freedom and be grateful for the memories because that is all it will ever be, memories.

I believe when people say time heals all, because it truly does. Ive taken my power back to heal myself and provide the closure he would not have been good enough for. I find myself in the gym 3 days a week, cooking for one, listening to Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory audio book, and understanding the lore of Lana Del Rey like never before. But thats not to say I don’t miss him, I do talk about him to everyone I meet, but it doesn’t mean I’m not healing, it means I’m human or just a girl.