I'm a girl in my 20s

Empty club but still having fun

When I turned 18, I was always at a club. I loved the ambiance of it, how everything moved quickly and in slow motion at the same time. How the music was so loud you couldn’t hear your own thoughts or the creepy guy trying to hit on you. I still enjoy a night out with friends on a crowded dance floor but recently I’ve started to realize why I’ve been going out so much. I’ve developed an avoidant attachment style with myself. 

I’ve shared my relationship struggles, but there are other factors in my life that had been piling on, I just had never found them as important to focus on. I didn’t give myself time to reflect on those issues, I just avoided them. So much so that I forgot to water my plants, my room was always a mess, and my fridge was pretty much empty. Which was weird because I love gardening, I always took Sunday mornings to clean and I love to cook. I felt I never had time for home because I didn’t want to be home. When I’m feeling down, I don’t want to focus on it, I don’t want to hear my own thoughts. I don’t want to feel it so to avoid it, I text every single one of my friends what they’re doing and I go out.

I have my fun outside. I go to clubs in WEHO because the gays know how to party, I am really good at billiards cause the spot in Sherman Oaks is my favorite place to be, and I love spending money I don’t have at thrift shops. I have these places in a loop every time I feel sad. I can never just stay home and feel it. Since I’ve noticed my avoidant attachment style, everything that’s ever scared me the past couple of months has come at me at once and I don’t know how to handle it. I think the only time I can feel something without feeling judged in my own home is when I’m writing this blog. 

A couple nights ago, everything came at me at once again, and not a single one of my friends was available. That hadn’t happened in months. I was forced to dance with my anxieties alone, and I went crazy. I had to leave the house, so I went for a drive. I drove 8 cities over while crying and asking myself why I haven’t fixed myself from these issues for months. It was then I realized I’ve been avoiding myself with crowded dance floors and nights I can’t remember. 

I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing to be out with friends, but a bad thing to be out when I’m avoiding my problems. Matter of fact, I’m the complete opposite of who I once was at the beginning of this year. I was so deeply distraught in my head I called 988. I was depressed, I was alone, I had been told I wasn’t enough for my ex, and my birthday was the worst day of my life. I called this lovely woman named Jenny, and I could honestly say she saved my life that day. Jenny spoke with kindness and concern, she searched my caller ID and called me by my name which had made me feel more heard. Jenny said that if I don’t want to be alone anymore I need to try harder and put myself out there by joining clubs, getting a hobby, and making the effort to talk and make friends. 

Her advice scared me, because I had been antisocial my whole life, had people not talked to me first I wouldn’t have any friends. I had always been comfortable being alone because people were mean and so called “friends” would leave me out of hang outs, but even if I was invited I felt our lives were too different they couldn’t understand me, and I feared they’d judged me. But there got to a point where it was terrifying to be by myself because I didn’t know what I’d do. 

After our phone call I opened my instagram to a post that said, “When you’re scared of something, that means you probably want to do it and it’s worth your time.” And it was, but I didn’t take her advice right away. I did forget about it during my time in my-self-dug hole. But after that I made the effort to make connections with classmates in college, I joined an ice skating class and attended bartending school. I made the effort to reach out to friends I hadn’t heard from in a long time. I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to dance on this dance floor with others. I’m happy to have made so many connections with people that I didn’t need to worry about an empty club for months until it happened when I needed the reality check. I had so much fun in the past couple of months that I documented almost every moment because I knew life was short and I shouldn’t fear the outside like I once did, that was the biggest waste of my time. 

I don’t fear my problems like I once did, because I know that even an empty club is still fun by yourself. Maybe in the future I will return to my avoidant attachment style, but I’m only trying to have fun because at the end of the day I’m just a girl.