I'm a girl in my 20s

I can positively say I was born on the worst holiday of the year, but it may not be why you think. As a Christmas baby, the reaction of everyone who learns my birthday is universal, “Do you only get one present for both your birthday and Christmas?” Yes and no, the truth is that doesn’t bother me and never has because my family spoiled me as a child. What bothered me about my birthday falling on a holiday was that I always felt trapped and obligated to share the day. 

I’ve watched others celebrate their birthdays without feeling the heaviness of a toxic family meddling in their day. I watched others easily celebrate with their friends because they were not celebrating a holiday with their own family. I have always struggled to celebrate my birthday with friends because I understood it was a family oriented holiday, but to me it was my birthday. And for years, that thought, “but it’s my birthday,” made me feel guilty and selfish because it was never meant to be just my day. 

As I grew up, I realized my family life was painful and that was draining. I also realized I don’t want to be around my family on my birthday, and selfishly, not even for Christmas. For a family that grew up close, we are insanely different and it causes tension in the heart. I am not strong enough to handle it anymore. For the past couple of years I’ve been torn between celebrating with my family and walking on eggshells resulting in self hatred and emotional damage, or celebrating alone. 

On my 20th birthday my family begged me to travel to Mexico to celebrate with them. Instead, I chose myself, I chose to be lonely. I spent the whole day in my (at the time) new apartment, smoking from my pipe and later that night I went rollerskating with my best friend. It was simple and lonely, but not heart breaking. One of my best birthdays as an adult was spent, for the most part, by myself. And even though I was selfishly choosing to be away from my family on a day that orientates family. I was able to separate my birthday and the holiday for my own mental health. 

I think most can say they don’t remember their 21st birthday. Unfortunately, I remember mine as the worst birthday of my life. I had gotten into an argument with my mom a few days before, I was rejected from a college, my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me the first time and I had very few friends. I decided to travel to Mexico to be with my family, minus my mom, and I was glad because most of the tension in the house is caused by her. But that wasn’t to say I hated her or didn’t want to hear from her for what she did. She has just shown me, time and time again, that she will choose others before me. Knowing this, I was still surprised by her lack of self awareness and inability to be the bigger person. The morning of my birthday my brother and grandparents received a call from her to wish a happy holiday. I waited for my call or text. Nothing delivered. 

Words cannot describe how heartbroken I was that my own mom did not wish me a happy birthday, because even though we were in an argument, I still had hope that she’d put her pride aside and choose me, for once. 

The next day my family took me to a city two hours away for a petting zoo.We were there 30 minutes before receiving a call that my mom was on her way. We drove back and waited 6 hours for her to arrive. And when she did get there she acted like everything was fine, no apology, no happy birthday. 

After that, I would choose loneliness every time if it meant I was not crying on my birthday.

This year, my family traveled to Mexico to celebrate. They begged me to come but I couldn’t. I could not feel the way I felt the year before and I didn’t care if it was selfish. I didn’t make any plans for Christmas Eve but after realizing I was in an empty house I joined my cousin’s for Eve at the last minute. Although it was last minute, she didn’t forget to get me a cake at midnight. And for that, it was the first time I felt seen on my birthday. It felt real and not an obligation, it was celebrating both holiday and birthday but not together. It was something I didn’t know I was looking for but found and loved. As for my birthday, I had planned to stay by myself at home, but my friends said no way. Instead we had a great dinner and played billiards after. My friends called the day “Emi-mas.”

You may think, ‘this is so simple, how was this the best birthday for you?’ It was the best birthday because I celebrated with people who actually love me for me. People who knew how much I dread Christmas and reminded me why my birthday mattered too. To find family in your friends is a rarity, but to find people who know you inside and out, flaws and all, and still help you find joy in places that cause pain, is a blessing. 

For the first time in a long time, my heart wasn’t heavy, there were no eggshells, only love and gratitude. Christmas has always been the heaviest day of the year for me, but how lucky for me to have amazing people to show me the good of it.