I'm a girl in my 20s

Have you ever met a man? And I mean, A MAN. Have you ever met a man that listened, communicated, supported, was consistent, kind, understanding and on top of that, cute. A few months ago I dated a MAN, and it scared me because it was unfamiliar. 

If you’ve been following along, you know that my nervous system is always on edge, always waiting for a bad moment because that is what toxic relationships do to people. Although we don’t mean to compare the people we date to our ex’s in any negative way, I’ve learned that we kind of have to in order to set the standard. 

I met my knight in shining armor a few months after my relationship ended and I was nearing the end of my healing stages. He knew about my blog, he knew about my pain, he knew about the new girl and my fuck ups, yet he still provided me a safe space to talk it out. This man was so kind hearted that when I fucked up with him I’d tell him right away, not because I wasnt scared of losing him but because I trusted him. I was met with mutual respect, unfamiliar feelings. There were times I was scared to tell him about my fuck ups and fully expected him to yell or argue, but instead I was met with kindness and understanding.

I didn’t know it at the time, but he was saving me from what I thought was normal, he was teaching me that my familiars were damaging. It was like I enjoyed staying in a burning castle because the outside world had treated me so horribly it scared me to leave. I gave myself Stockholm syndrome because I had convinced myself that this never ending cycle of love and chase was what I wanted and what I deserved. 

There was a point in that relationship that I thought he didn’t even like me because he didn’t fight with me about anything and he didn’t pull away from me to make me chase. I never lost a night of sleep, he never made me cry, I never had to beg for dates or for comfort he was already there. There was a point in that relationship where I thought I didn’t like him because being with him was peaceful when being with anyone else was like clawing at the wall begging for someone to love me. Unfamiliar feelings. 

My past consists of relationships that felt like I was placed in a never ending maze, starved, while they ran holding the cheese. So when this man placed me in a garden I couldn’t help but fear him the most. I tried to look for anything wrong with him because how could anyone treat me so lovingly when I had convinced myself I was not worth being treated with kindness. 

Without realizing it, he rerouted my nervous system for dating for the better. He became the standard, the example of what a man does for a woman when he likes and respects her. He showed me that nothing kept me chained to the castle, but it was actually my own willingness to stay out of fear and lack of control. 

Self reflection is one hell of a tool. I have this energy, so I’ve been told, where I unknowingly hold a mirror up to people to show them who they are and what they could do to be better. I’ve lost some friends because of this, but I’ve gained a hell of a lot more in return. But from this I’ve learned, We are only able to accept things from others for how far we are able to accept ourselves. 

It’s funny the way life works, because even though this knight had saved me from myself, he wasn’t my prince, he was someone else’s. I knew this and felt that he deserved to find that someone else. Even though he saved me, I wasn’t able to save him but there’s always a reason for why things aren’t forever.