I'm a girl in my 20s

I’ve received more “I’m sorry” flowers than verbal “I’m sorrys.” If you don’t know what “I’m sorry” flowers are then you’re in luck, or as much of a hopeless romantic as I am. “Im sorry” flowers are a bouquet that men or woman give to their significant other when they’ve fucked up in the relationship. They signify this grand gesture to the victim instead of having to verbally apologize or take accountability for their actions.

You may have a type when it comes to dating. It can be physical attraction or emotional, but subconsciously, we all follow a pattern of partners when we date. After receiving a ton of “I’m sorry” flowers I decided to call it quits with anyone who brought them to me without the intention of realness. What I mean by realness is, I wanted to receive the “just because” flowers instead. The “just because I love you” or “just because I thought of you” or “just because I knew they were your favorite.” Since when did flowers become a form of manipulation rather than a form of declaration of one’s true feelings? 

There is a hispanic folk-lore based on the idea that the life-span of flowers depends on the person who gifts them and how they feel towards the receiver. This myth can be linked to the “mal de ojo” or evil eye, a spiritual term for bad energy from someone who wishes bad luck, sickness and misfortune on others.

So when I received these “I’m sorry” flowers, I’d watch them wilt and lose their color the two days after, no matter how hard I took care of them. I had reached a point in frustration. Watching these flowers die along with my self respect was more than I could handle. 

I quit. 

I quit dating, I quit accepting apologies, I quit accepting behavior from friends. I was fed up. I started to put myself first, I started hobbies, I changed my make up, I ate healthier and my phone was on ‘Do Not Disturb’ for months. 

I was blooming. One of the hobbies I picked up was gardening, but I was too scared to buy flowers. I thought flowers were supposed to be gifted from someone not bought for oneself. But I was wrong. 

Now, at least once a month I take the time to buy a bouquet of flowers, because I love flowers. I love filling my marble white vase with water and dissolving the flower food. I love cutting the leaves so they don’t mold as quickly and cutting the stem at a diagonal. I love the smell and taking care of them as if they were me. 

The flowers became a symbol of my self respect rather than a symbol of forced forgiveness. I had taken my power back from those that didn’t water me correctly. I shared the cycle of blooming and wilt with each flower because they feel just as much as we do and it’s impossible to constantly be happy. They live off of the sun and need water like we do, they carefully grow each pedal on top of the other so that each one is displayed and just as importantly represented. 

I appreciate the way every flower arranges all of their pedals, because when you look closely you’ll find that each pedal is a different size, color, and age. That’s the thing about flowers, you don’t see their imperfections, you just see that they’re beautiful. But even I’m not always careful when attending to my flowers. Every now and then I will get pricked from a thorn because I forget that something so beautiful can also come with defense mechanisms. Do you think you can love the thorns as much as you love the pedals?